How are you doing, truly?
As I reflect upon the last couple of years, I am in serious awe.
While I have been fundamentally supported, loved and sheltered… I have also been in an intense dark night of the soul.
My spouse and truest soulmate has been in a health crisis that left us unsure if he’d be alive tomorrow for many many many months on end. There has been a level of intensity that I have never experienced before.
I am not on the other side of this “dark night of the soul” yet, but I am starting to see glimmers of light.
I can feel the deep growth this period has brought me, even if I only can only articulate a fraction of what I’ve learned and what I’m integrating.
I am deeply grateful for the support. My family has shown me true and unconditional love in a way that is so profound I can barely take it in. I’m just practicing slowly sipping in the love and support to touch the places within me that are learning to receive and know I am deserving of such love.
I am deeply grateful to have been witness to the immense suffering I’ve witnessed – suffering beyond what I could previously comprehend. It has allowed me to access my humanity and my compassion in ways that will change the trajectory of my life.
I am deeply grateful for the decades of personal work that I’ve done before this “dark night of the soul”. It has allowed me to show up for myself and my husband in a way that I am proud of. I’ve shown up with true, unconditional, real and grounded love.
I am deeply grateful for my gentleness with the ways I have shown up with reactivity, impatience, and lack of compassion. I am able to hold these places within myself with love and understanding of my humanness. It’s okay to not do it perfectly. I can now see how the reactions and negativity that we spew at one another are simply love trying to come out and the ways they get distorted from our human traumas. We are all doing our best, truly.
I am deeply grateful that these last years are ripening me. While I still struggle with accepting the loss that we must bear as humans – I can feel something maturing in me. Something in me is becoming wiser in my understanding that all of this is impermanent. There is nothing to hold on to. There is truly no ground beneath us. We exist in the unknown. Sometimes life feels more “certain” and other times it seems more “uncertain”… but to be sure, it’s all uncertain. When all we know falls away, we are left with ourselves and the Divine. This can terrify me, and yet it is enough. It is everything.
It’s my commitment to myself to bring the gifts that have been and are being gleaned from this journey into the darkness into my life and my work.
No matter what someone comes to me for support with, I will bring the gifts of this dark night to hold them in the safety of the uncertainty. In the inherent goodness that exists even in the darkest, most gnarly of life’s experiences.
If you’re still here with me, reading this, thank you. I am wishing you grace as we all navigate through quite a lot of intensity on our planet. I am sending waves and waves of compassion for any place in your life that feels like it’s just too hard, just too much.
May you have trusted, supportive loved ones to be with you through the hard times. May you have everything you need to walk your path with grace – gleaning the gifts of every experience – whether blissful or hard. May you have the courage to be with the fullness of your experience and know deep within that you are more than enough.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You have unique gifts that the world needs.
And I love you.